Today I watched a film titled Life As A House.
My mother had ordered it from Netflix and reccomended that I watch it in my free time. I had originally wanted to see it because of my fondness of Hayden Christensen (come on now, I'm a Star Wars freak and Anakin's my favourite character), but I'm really glad I watched it anyway, because it was a beautiful moving film that gave an awful rush of nostalgia. The character that Christensen plays reminded me immediately of myself... in the movie, his character, Sam, is 16. I recently found a blog I used to write in when I was the same age... it was incredibly depressing. Although I consider myself to be rather sad nowadays, back then it was far worse... I remember hating everyone and everything. The one person I hated most by far, was myself. There is a quote in the movie, where Sam says, "I'm nothing." And that is exactly how I felt. Like I was nothing, and yet I wanted so badly to be loved. I would fight with my parents non-stop, telling them that I hated them and that I wished they would die. I would hurt those that actually did try to help me... In an irony, I wanted to be saved, but would always reject the life boat. I can't even begin to describe that sick, raw emotion I felt every single day...
What's funny to me, is that when I gave my mom the DVD back, she said, "the teenager in it reminds me of you. I want you to know that things can always get better." And I cried. It's strange... I've always felt so alone and unwanted... all of my life. But the past few years have been better... even though my heart's been dragged across the floor... even though I've been tossed here and there... for some reason, there's a feeling in my heart that's new to me. A feeling like I don't want to give up. Life is tough, but I have to keep going to find what makes it worth the struggle. I have to keep making people smile, because in reality, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. I know that my heart will always have that constant ache... the one that's always been there for as long as I can remember... but at least the ache subsides when I see my friends smile. Because I smile with them. And I'll always look forward to those days, even if my day's gone to waste.
My mother had ordered it from Netflix and reccomended that I watch it in my free time. I had originally wanted to see it because of my fondness of Hayden Christensen (come on now, I'm a Star Wars freak and Anakin's my favourite character), but I'm really glad I watched it anyway, because it was a beautiful moving film that gave an awful rush of nostalgia. The character that Christensen plays reminded me immediately of myself... in the movie, his character, Sam, is 16. I recently found a blog I used to write in when I was the same age... it was incredibly depressing. Although I consider myself to be rather sad nowadays, back then it was far worse... I remember hating everyone and everything. The one person I hated most by far, was myself. There is a quote in the movie, where Sam says, "I'm nothing." And that is exactly how I felt. Like I was nothing, and yet I wanted so badly to be loved. I would fight with my parents non-stop, telling them that I hated them and that I wished they would die. I would hurt those that actually did try to help me... In an irony, I wanted to be saved, but would always reject the life boat. I can't even begin to describe that sick, raw emotion I felt every single day...
What's funny to me, is that when I gave my mom the DVD back, she said, "the teenager in it reminds me of you. I want you to know that things can always get better." And I cried. It's strange... I've always felt so alone and unwanted... all of my life. But the past few years have been better... even though my heart's been dragged across the floor... even though I've been tossed here and there... for some reason, there's a feeling in my heart that's new to me. A feeling like I don't want to give up. Life is tough, but I have to keep going to find what makes it worth the struggle. I have to keep making people smile, because in reality, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. I know that my heart will always have that constant ache... the one that's always been there for as long as I can remember... but at least the ache subsides when I see my friends smile. Because I smile with them. And I'll always look forward to those days, even if my day's gone to waste.
"How do you become something you're not?"
"What do you want to become?"
"What I'm not."
"What are you now?"
"I'm nothing. "
1 comment:
That was so cool, Liz. I wish I could think just a little bit like you.
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