I know, I should really be studying for that awfully important astronomy test tomorrow, but I am taking a break right now, only because I really just feel like writing to myself...
I always find it humorous, the way I really do seem bipolar. My loveable asshole friend is right in that sense... he always tells me that I'm either too sad all the time, or too strong-willied and happy to the point that it bothers him, I guess.
But the depressed part of me is always there... it always has been, for as long as I can remember. When I was a child, I remember it not being so intense... but I remember it being there. Every night I felt sad, I would go to my window and look out at the first star I saw and I would wish that someone could come and save me from my loneliness... or from myself. I remember there was even times where I would pray to God that someone would come along to find me, but the only real reason I did that was because my mother used to tell me that God was watching over me and had some sort of plan or some other false bullshit... Later on, of course, I realized that no matter how many years I wished or how many times I sat on my knees with my eyes shut tight and my hands in that closed position, I would never be saved. Of course this was when I lost belief in any type of god, and therefore was an atheist (I am agnostic now.)
Yet this was also the time where I first really felt how sad I could get... the first time I attempted to hurt myself; even to the extent of trying to kill myself. This was all around 6th grade, mind you, and the only grasp I had on the world at the time was through television, movies, books and the way I was treated by those around me...
As I tried to work with this depression, I instantly fell in love (friendship wise) with anyone that was willing to befriend me. I would do anything for said person, and was incredibly loyal. Long story short, no matter how hard I tried, each person would one day leave me abruptly, out of the blue... leave me with only confusion and cruel words. I used to mask my pain with the joke, "I must be cursed." This made me a bitter person, especially after that one friend (who I will never in all of my life forget) left me. I became a cold, angry, broken person... and yet I still lived on to be the person I am today. Of course there is much more to the story, but that's all for another day.
But I recall during all those years, I did see the pattern of the people I befriended, or even became lovers with. The person would initially be completely infatuated with me and after a long time, I would feel like we would be together forever... and yet, they would always grow tired of me and leave. Of course, by logic, I would always come to the conclusion that there was something wrong with the one part of the equation that was always there in each scenario: me. I've tried so long to overcome this, because I know that I've always been myself, and that's all I'll ever be... so people will continue to grow tired of me, I suppose...
Even now... I see these people that have left me... and they seem so much happier without a Liz in their lives. I can't help but cry each time... because I'm never really happier once the person has left, which means I'm the weaker one, generally speaking. ...It even saddens me that to this day, because I still look up at the stars, well-knowing they cannot grant my wishes, and whisper under my breath, "I want to be happy..."
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The More Loving One
W.H. Auden
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total darkness sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
2 comments:
Life isn't fair... Life isn't just... Life is what you make of it... There is this theory... that if you make a statement... the will of that statement will carry on to full fill it's destiny... meaning... if you believe you are a "Loss cause" (I don't like calling people losers even if they say they are) and do nothing about it... then your probably right... but! If you knowingly state "I'm a lost cause" as fact and go out of your way to disprove it... then you my friend are no such thing. Your destiny is what you make of it... Even if say your destiny is to be a rockstar... from there... you have a choice... to carry on that path and become that Rockstar... or do nothing at all... and see that destiny... never come true...
I hope you understand what I mean...
I went through depression too... I still go through my spells every now and then... but I make a conscious decision now... to not let my sorrow get the best of me... and use it to give me fuel and strength to go beyond my expectations...
Learn from it.. use it... don't sit and wallow... in it's shadow... stand up... and fight damn it!!!
i never see you or anything but i know if i did it'd make me really happy. i always liked you. i know how you feel about people getting sick of you. it's really really depressing. people get sick of my up and down emotions, or bored of me, or whatever..... and I rarely ever feel that way about anybody else. so yeah i figured it must be me. but regardless, i dont think i'll ever get sick of you. even if i did spend a lot more time with you
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