Clouded.

Why is it that I always tend to feel like I'm never doing anything one-hundred percent?

It's like I'm programmed in a mode where I just do things because my body feels it's necessary. Like I can't retain newly aqcuired knowledge for longer than a month because I'm just not interested in the subject, even though I feel like I would be if I were awake inside...

In this sense, I feel completely useless... each day is just a way of getting by. I become easily aggravated and depressed if I'm not getting attention from someone because being alone gives me time to think and to realize what a shithole I'm in. I spend money frivilously because it makes me feel like I'm giving meaning to myself... I can't even control it sometimes... I just buy whatever's there to make myself feel good for a moment... and now I'm in a serious financial hole that's going to take me years to get out of... and I don't even care. I've started to sell my personal things to attempt to pay off all this debt, but the only reason I'm doing it is because of how I felt utterly disgusted with myself when he said, "I don't even see how we can make it through a week like this."

I can't stand looking in the mirror right now... all I can see is something hideous and completely vile. Not even a person. Just a used, ugly shell. And yet, as always, I keep making jokes just to get by and hide the gut-wrenching sorrow that's waiting to explode violently...

I'm spiraling into someone I can't control anymore...

I don't want to go to school... but I do.

I don't want to work... yet I work.

I don't want to breathe... but here I am... inhaling.

I want to disappear from here... so I don't have to deal with myself.

Lack of Eloquence.

For as long as I can remember, I've lost myself in a world of fantasy.

When I was a child, I would become obsessed with something in order to get my mind off of any sadness that I had.

Whenever anything occurred to upset me, I would just draw, or read, or watch a movie. Later on it evolved to me watching a scheduled list of anime every day, while playing video games during the rest of the free time and drawing whenever I was at school. Then I added on reading manga, fanfiction, and most enthusiastically, roleplaying. I remember roleplaying for hours upon hours. It felt comfortable and perfect to me. It seemed I could create my own world, control my own situation this way... My love rarely went completely unrequited, the way it always had in real life. People liked me. I had friends and adventures... quite the opposite of my actual situation... me coming directly home to sit in front of my computer for the entire day before falling asleep from exhaustion. When I think back on all of this, I realize, that all of that false world was amazing. It made me smile and be pretty happy. Living each day was fun, even though it was fake. I thought of the characters that I loved and how they loved me, and oh, how I would smile....

There was only one person that was able to completely rip me from that... she tore all of the stitches out and took some pieces with her... and I was violently thrust into a sick reality that I had been completely ignoring for years. This reality was unbearable... it was harsh.... it was disgusting. I had to force myself through every day... some days, I couldn't even do that small task. I remember attempting to end my miserable life many times per week.

...here I am, mumbling. I can't even type correctly...

What I'm trying to get at is that I'm now stuck in this reality... because I know it's there. If I were to ever go back to the fantasy life I held before... it would have to be as if I had never been in the real world... as if I had never crossed the barrier. But I have. And here I am...

...I write this because I feel completely lost in my mind... I don't want to become dead again... pushing through each day like it's a chore to breathe. And yet, I don't know what else to do... My body is so locked in a maddening sorrow, that I feel my heart will just stop working all together...

.....after all these years, I still can't quite grasp.....

Why this is the only time I ever feel truly alive...