:/

To be honest, I'm just tired of everything.

Don't mind

Absolute and so minute...

I cannot feel the intangible.

bye

I don't want to be around anymore.

Bleh.

I don't know why it makes me sick to my stomach.

All I know is I want to escape the feeling.

Night in the Lonesome... April?

So yeah.

As I stood there earlier tonight, I realized something.

A lot of things, rather. Terrible things. Things I must say, things I must do. More importantly, things I must be. And I stared out into the multicolour lights and couldn't help but feel completely alone. The sound of guitar was deafening. All I could hear was my own thoughts and voices of the dead. There was a time when I noticed that I had been standing completely still, just staring... staring...

And here, I still feel the same, yet... a bit more confused.

But one thing I am sure of is that I'm alone...

And that's how it's going to be.

Numb...

Or nauseas, rather...

My hands are tingling.

...today feels cold.

...and wait a little while... longer.

I'm not sure what this confused feeling is, but...

it's strange...

I'm afraid of it, if it's real...

I'm afraid of it, if it's born from loneliness...

Guess I'm just a damn coward.

Spiraled.

I'm really spiraling here...

I don't know how to save myself...

I'm not sure how long I can last this way...

Feeling this sick...

Feeling this dead.

All You Need Is...

Today as I was going home from school, I passed a car that had a rose pinned under the windshield wipers.

There was also a note that read: "I ♥ You."

I smiled and said to Alex, "Oh look! How sweet..." but I think inside, it depressed me.

Blackbird, Fly.

I have been listening to nothing but the Beatles for the past few days.

Feels pretty good, might I say.

I am rather lonely, of course...

Am I a sick person? Are people usually this lonely?

I feel that if someone doesn't try to contact me once a day, well, maybe I'm dead to them.

I hope no one remembers to read these stupid blogs.

If someone were to, I'm sure he or she would just get annoyed with this blather.

It's like I'm not even thinking anymore... just... typing, whatever my fingers want to type.

And nothing is making sense.

Not even breathing...

---

Into the light of a dark black night.

---

And to be honest, when you told me you didn't love me anymore, a part of me died.

Walk Right Through Me...

I'm not sure how I came to be this way; boring, uneventful, tired.

I miss hanging out with people and staying up all night. When I had nothing to do but live and forget about awful things that wouldn't let me sleep. I don't know what to think of this feeling. Coming home every night, only to stare at a wall, or stare at the television, even though there are rarely any shows I like or want to watch.

I miss walking with Christina around downtown at night, just to see the stars and smell the salt in the air. I miss staying up with Nate until sunrise to watch seasons of old cartoons from when I was younger. I miss driving up and down the coast with Vanessa while we blasted Blaqk Audio or Panic! At the Disco. I miss driving with Aaron through that winding forest while listening to the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack or Gazette. I miss staying up to talk to Art with a webcam. I miss going out to random places with Kyle, or even staying at home to watch something completely ridiculous, because he would always laugh at everything, no matter how crude or terrible the joke. I miss having picnics on the roof with Laura. I miss getting on the bus with Ed to go to the mall with our fortune of twenty dollars. I miss how Alex used to come to my work every day, it seemed, to make sure I was smiling... I miss having someone sleep at my place every night...

And to be honest, I feel that, if I were to just completely dissapear, it would take people weeks to notice I was gone. I guess I'm just lame, but... I can't help feeling this way.

At least I have my vicious chihuahua. :'(

Yeah.

...Bought a new phone cord for 25 freaking dollars, since my dog severed my old one.

But after it charged, I sat there and stared at it, the screen blank, the button flashing green, and a thought occurred...

Why do I even have a phone when people don't really talk to me?

...lame...

Clouded.

Why is it that I always tend to feel like I'm never doing anything one-hundred percent?

It's like I'm programmed in a mode where I just do things because my body feels it's necessary. Like I can't retain newly aqcuired knowledge for longer than a month because I'm just not interested in the subject, even though I feel like I would be if I were awake inside...

In this sense, I feel completely useless... each day is just a way of getting by. I become easily aggravated and depressed if I'm not getting attention from someone because being alone gives me time to think and to realize what a shithole I'm in. I spend money frivilously because it makes me feel like I'm giving meaning to myself... I can't even control it sometimes... I just buy whatever's there to make myself feel good for a moment... and now I'm in a serious financial hole that's going to take me years to get out of... and I don't even care. I've started to sell my personal things to attempt to pay off all this debt, but the only reason I'm doing it is because of how I felt utterly disgusted with myself when he said, "I don't even see how we can make it through a week like this."

I can't stand looking in the mirror right now... all I can see is something hideous and completely vile. Not even a person. Just a used, ugly shell. And yet, as always, I keep making jokes just to get by and hide the gut-wrenching sorrow that's waiting to explode violently...

I'm spiraling into someone I can't control anymore...

I don't want to go to school... but I do.

I don't want to work... yet I work.

I don't want to breathe... but here I am... inhaling.

I want to disappear from here... so I don't have to deal with myself.

Lack of Eloquence.

For as long as I can remember, I've lost myself in a world of fantasy.

When I was a child, I would become obsessed with something in order to get my mind off of any sadness that I had.

Whenever anything occurred to upset me, I would just draw, or read, or watch a movie. Later on it evolved to me watching a scheduled list of anime every day, while playing video games during the rest of the free time and drawing whenever I was at school. Then I added on reading manga, fanfiction, and most enthusiastically, roleplaying. I remember roleplaying for hours upon hours. It felt comfortable and perfect to me. It seemed I could create my own world, control my own situation this way... My love rarely went completely unrequited, the way it always had in real life. People liked me. I had friends and adventures... quite the opposite of my actual situation... me coming directly home to sit in front of my computer for the entire day before falling asleep from exhaustion. When I think back on all of this, I realize, that all of that false world was amazing. It made me smile and be pretty happy. Living each day was fun, even though it was fake. I thought of the characters that I loved and how they loved me, and oh, how I would smile....

There was only one person that was able to completely rip me from that... she tore all of the stitches out and took some pieces with her... and I was violently thrust into a sick reality that I had been completely ignoring for years. This reality was unbearable... it was harsh.... it was disgusting. I had to force myself through every day... some days, I couldn't even do that small task. I remember attempting to end my miserable life many times per week.

...here I am, mumbling. I can't even type correctly...

What I'm trying to get at is that I'm now stuck in this reality... because I know it's there. If I were to ever go back to the fantasy life I held before... it would have to be as if I had never been in the real world... as if I had never crossed the barrier. But I have. And here I am...

...I write this because I feel completely lost in my mind... I don't want to become dead again... pushing through each day like it's a chore to breathe. And yet, I don't know what else to do... My body is so locked in a maddening sorrow, that I feel my heart will just stop working all together...

.....after all these years, I still can't quite grasp.....

Why this is the only time I ever feel truly alive...