I always find it interesting....
I've pushed old thoughts and feelings so deep within myself that I felt nearly dead for a while... or rather, like a newborn. I forced myself to forget about all of my old habits and likings. I did things contradictory to myself to make myself feel as if I were another. But now...
It's painful, really. But almost invigorating. If I listen to the music I once drowned myself in... if I perform tasks I was once so accustomed to... A strange nostalgia rises up from inside my chest. I remember feelings and thoughts long repressed. My brain feels fuzzy, as if a static wave had just disrupted the thought patterns themselves, really.
I remember what it felt like back then, yet it's almost intangible... impossible to reach it. Even though it feels like I've lived at least 10 different lives, I know it has been the same one life, the same old Liz. But I'm still different, in ways of thinking, in ways of learning. Like a weathered path, that's been taken by many. It knows the footprints of others, and how each person walks in a way unlike any other. Every time the road gets tread upon, it loses a characteristic of itself, but gains another in the loss. And even though that characteristic is gone, the road still remembers it. And who knows, maybe the same feet that walked upon it once will walk again, perhaps even wearing different shoes. But the road knows it's only temporary, just as everything else is.
...Sometimes the rising feelings scare me. I feel as though I've advanced so far on the board game. I really don't want to be bumped back to start. But if it happens, there's nothing I can do but move forward again, right? The dice rarely roll the same numbers consecutively. My thoughts are all jumbled... I can't even stay on the same subjects, can I? Heh...
But I've always wondered... If a person who couldn't swim were to fall off a ship in the middle of the ocean, I suppose there would only be two choices of survival.
What kind of person would I be?
The one that is tied to the fact that she can't swim and waits hopelessly for that open hand to plunge into the water and save her?
Or the one that immediately forces her body to learn how to swim and rises to the surface, only to find herself stranded... alone?
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"I know you shouldn't live for someone else, but... it's just so much better that way, you know?"
